Going Up?

One of the great things about my job is the elevators.  Seriously, maybe its the kid in me but who doesn't like getting on an elevator and riding up and down.  Sometimes though my fun is stolen away by jerks and assholes who don't have any manners when it comes to using the elevator.  They see the elevator as as their own personal machine to move them from place to place without any regard for others who wants to use it.  Therefore I will invoke the powers given to my by Raptor Face to officially set laws concerning using an elevator!

Law #1: Waiting for the Elevator

While you are waiting for the elevator, push the button one time.  If it is lit up, guess what that means.  The elevator is coming.  No one wants to see you slam your fat sausages on the down button 4 times because it isn't coming fast enough.  Don't sit there and complain that the elevator is taking forever, the elevator will know, and it doesn't like it when you talk shit. Huffing and puffing is also unacceptable.  Keep your nasty smelling breath in your gross body, don't exhale with force to show everyone around you that you are pissed that the elevator isn't coming.

Eventually it will come, so shut the fuck up.  If you don't want to wait, take your fat ass up the stairs!

Law #2: Getting on the Elevator

First of all, back the fuck up.  There is nothing people hate more than the doors open and they try to get off to head to their destination and your ugly face is two inches from the doors.  Move out of the way.  Let the passengers get off before you try to move on the elevator.

If you are the first one on the elevator, you are now the elevator captain.  Congratulations, you are in charge!  Your job of elevator captain is as follows:
1: You hold the elevator if anyone is obviously making their way to the elevator.  Don't be an asshole and close the door while someone is running to it with their hands full of shit.
2: You find out what floor people are going to and push the button.  Don't be a weirdo and stand by the panel of buttons and make others lean over to hit the button.  That is just rude.
3: Make sure you are out of the doorway into the elevators.  Remember that no one wants to see your hideous face and the best way to achieve that is to hide yourself in the elevator.

Law #3: How to Act while inside

Just because your manners suck outside of the elevator doesn't mean they have to suck inside.  Follow these simple tips and you can fool everyone into thinking you aren't an asshole.
1: Get inside quickly.  Don't take your sweet time chatting to your friends outside while people are waiting.  Shut your trap and jump in.
2: Figure out how many people are inside and do some quick math.  Understandable you are going to have some trouble because your retarded brain functions at half the speed of shit but you will have to get over it.  The more people that are inside means the less room that you all are going to have.  Make sure that you are giving everyone else enough room.
3: Keep your rapist hands to yourself and avoid bumping into anyone.  Your smell is enough, no one wants you touching them.
4: Get off the cell phone.  No one wants to overhear you yapping to your mother about how your stupid life sucks.  No one wants to hear you whine about how your kids hate you and your significant other no longer loves you.  How the fuck do you even have reception in there?
5: If you are riding up with a friend and you insist on opening your cock-holster, keep it low.  Always remember that your voice makes people want to push pencils into their eyes, so try not to talk too loudly.

Law #4: Getting off the Elevator

Make is quick.  Get off!  Make sure you are on the right floor and step off and go toward your destination.  Don't linger near the elevator like you are cool.

If you happen to get off the elevator and then realize you are on the wrong floor, you have two options.  Either you:
1: Play it off.  You meant to go to the fifth floor, but got off on the third because you were mind fucking the hot girl.  Guess what, you are now going somewhere on the third floor.  Make it look like you are doing something important and swing back around to the elevators.
2: Stand there like an idiot.  No...don't try to get back on the elevator.  If you don't understand how to check and see what floor you are on, you deserve to wait.  Now go look like an idiot while people are riding up the elevator that you need to be on.

Law #5: Service Elevators

You know the service one don't you?  Its the one that isn't in the same place as the other elevators you use.  It probably looks different.  Hopefully it is either deeper and wider than a normal elevator.  Do you know why that is?  Its because people actually use it to work.  So the next time your lazy ass doesn't want to wait for the regular elevators, instead of using an elevator that someone might actually need, use the stairs.  Trust me when I say that your heart will thank you for it later...

So lets just recap for a minute.  How do we act when we need to use the elevator?  Push the button on the elevator and wait.  If people are in it when it gets to your floor, move aside and once they are out you get in.  Keep your mouth shut and hands to yourself.  Get off at the right floor and go on to whatever you were trying to do.

See how simple that is?